July 5, 2013 by thelittlepinkmustache
So I could only take so many in at a time, I forget how many, I grabbed what I could and rushed into the changing room and begun the horrid process of trying them on. In the beginning it’s easy you have this confidence in yourself that it will all work out fine. You try on a few and some work some don’t work. Then you take what doesn’t work scream at your friend you need 4 more as she tosses them to you and you sprint back to your dressing room.
The second phase, you are starting to get a bit tired but not defeated and there is a little sweat that starts to form which makes trying on certain suits like pulling on a small size you were never meant to wear. The grunting begins and the pulling and adjusting and finally you have on a swimsuit which you must now check out from all angles which I call the Trifecta approach.
First comes the boobs, that’s right I said the boobs you have to make sure that your boobs don’t look too small or too big, you want that nice middle area where they are perky but not fake looking. Then comes the stomach section. You want to make sure that nothing is hanging out or bulging because the bottoms are too tight and the top is too loose. Lastly the butt area. This is the most important area of them all because you do not, I repeat do not, want to be pulling your bathing suit down every five seconds at the beach because you have a wedgie. This process requires walking around and also sitting down. When the Trifecta is achieved you have finished your journey.
You will walk out of that dressing room sweat dripping from your brow with the winning suit in your hands and you will turn to your friend, or in my case my mother and say “Let’s get the fucking hell out of here.” And as you walk away you feel as if you should be walking into the sunset with the music from Rocky playing in the background.
Now a message to the men. When you see your woman’s bathing suit there is only one thing you are allowed to say “You look perfect in that suit, I love you.” If you do not heed these words it will be you we take to the swimsuit Olympics to find a new suit.